I woke this morning wondering if this allergy was real. What if I made it all up in my head? Could it be a ploy for attention? I woke with an intense I feeling I was a fraud, a hypochondriac, and acting out a big pity party. I dreaded getting caught and embarrassed in a devastating public way. Grasping to understand what this allergy means in my life has brought out  my insecurities. Did I somehow create this just so I could be special? Arg, that thought is repulsive.

What if getting rid of all the polyester clothing was a big waste of money? I’ve read that a polyester allergy is very rare. If it’s so rare why does my skin turn red and itch? Is this just some psychological trip I put myself on? What if I’m getting rid of things I’ve had for years because they might have Thiuram Mix in them and I don’t need to. Tears well up in my eyes and I want to pull my hair out. This shit is everywhere and yet invisible. I can’t see it, yet I’m clearly touching it. That’s just plain wrong and crazy making. I can’t wrap my head around it.

Now I’m afraid of odors because they might be an off-gas with thiuram mix in them. My logic is that if I can’t see it in the things around me that I can physically touch why wouldn’t it be in the air. Rubber is in parts to engines, tires, the gas hose at the station. Why wouldn’t off-gasing be an issue too? If this is a contact allergy it stands to reason that if I breath it in it’s contacting my lungs too. Right?

Then I get to a point where I just say “What the hell!” I go about my day like nothing’s wrong. My attitude becomes “I’m done with this!” As the day goes on that hard wired nagging voice in my head is relentless, “You’ll be sorry.” It taunts me like a kid on the playground. At the end of the day that voice was right. The reaction my body has to my defiance is  increased itching and rash. I grapple with the thought that I might never totally get rid of this rash unless I live in a cave, use only pottery and wooden cooking utensils, and wear deer hide. Like that’s going to happen.

If this is a Cosmic Joke it’s a good one.